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justmelisa's LiveJournal:
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| Tuesday, July 20th, 2010 | | 8:35 am |
today I will stay positive...
That's about it. Griping just depressess me more. I'm gong to try to happier side, the just get thingd done side. The drink more water, move around and excercise, draw and move on, way of things. There's lots to get done or at least work on today and every day, and school starts next month. No more moping, I'm taking the high rode...or something like that. :) Yay. and maybe I'll have some coffee too. Then I'll be all taking chargy like Loki here...well, I'm still practicing people ;) don't hurt me.  | | Saturday, July 17th, 2010 | | 9:40 am |
short journal...
I'm about to go to work so this is a little note for myself, just to stay calm, do my work and not to let anything overwhelm me. It's only 4 hours and a bit of it is in production/salad bar. So far, tips wise, I'm on track so, I'll just keep that in mind. :) More later when I get home... | | Friday, July 16th, 2010 | | 10:38 am |
Friday...
The week is going well and my workouts aren't too bad either. I'm not good at doing them twice a day but I am managing to do them at least once every day. :) I want to write stories, and improve my self esteem. The main problem I have, is worrying about what others thing or me or if I can't do something half way good. But then I never get past the learning part which is a part of anything when you want to make something better than just made. So, I have to focus on just enjoying learning, and not looking for constant outside feed back. I need to learn to encourage myself, which I'm not very good at. I tend to write something and look around, saying, "Did you hear me? Give me the love." Which is just a little silly and doesn't make sense. I need to take a breath and say, "this is what I wanted to accomplish." and not worry about getting outside approval only. Encouragement is nice of course and it should be taken in to think over but if I can't trust myself at least a little ;) then I will never learn to be true to myself at all. And I think every person should strive to stay true to themselves, because then they can more fully help others when needed. You can't help others if you can't even help youself. ;) At least I believe that's how it goes. and I have to work in about ten minutes. Fun, but not too bad. It's only a 3 hour days so very short lunch rush and then back home to get some things done here. :) I will remind myself to take deep breaths and not let myself get overwhelmed if we get so busy which sometimes happens. I can only do so much at once, and I can only make sure I do the best work possible at any time. Now if I can just keep that in mind. | | Thursday, July 15th, 2010 | | 9:02 pm |
| | 8:31 pm |
A life well lived excerpt...
“Number Seven.” I am given a number and I stand at the end of the line, posture perfect, eyes averted in a servant’s show of respect. The others stand ahead of me, just the same. I glance to my side, fleeting but enough to see a familiar face. The man there is shifting from one foot to the other, and it's easy to see he doesn’t want to be here. His eyes keep darting around the room, and I feel a twinge of something…an emotion that I am only now beginning to understand as regret. His name is James and he has owned me since before was born; I am his birthright. “I’ll wait for you over there,” he says, catching my eye for the briefest moment and smiling just as quick, adding in a lowered voice as if he doesn’t want others to hear, “Do what they say so we can go home.” I nod, eyes forward and down again, feeling him leave my side, but not minding because I know he will come back when we are ready to leave. But the line is not moving, and I find my positronic brain deviates some of my consciousness to another sublevel routine, one I have constructed without planning or effort, one which I have found myself drifting into when there is quiet or I am finished with my dayly chores and errands. Part of me is still in the present, keeping track of the line, making sure no one has called my number. I must keep these two parts separate but sometimes I find they begin to merge, making me pull back to reality only when someone calls my name. But we are not moving and for the moment, I am safe to dream. I see my whole life played out, memories from past personalities emerging, despite having been put through the nullifier several times before. Somehow they still manage to slip by, intact and strong, part of whom I have been, those things that have made me real. I take memories of my past lives, the owners I’ve had, the people I’ve met and I mix and match them, changing facts, keeping some and discarding other to fade back into another subroutine. I rewrite myself into something human, and this time it is perfect and how it should have always been, and I see myself as I meet the perfect man. The man won’t care that I am not exactly like him, that I was made in a factory, grown organically in sealed containers so my skin stays soft and perfect and firm. The man will take my hand and we will begin our life together. We’ll first meet the laundry mat, both of us alone, both of us wanting something more. And there will be some mix-up with one of us being there without quite enough credits to run the machines and one of us will help the other without even a thought. “Hey, thanks.” I’ll smile and thank this gallant knight, ignoring his crooked teeth or his unkempt hair, thinking they only added to his charm. I don't know about that. Needs lots of work ;) but I still like this story just the same. | | 8:12 pm |
Written for a thingy that shows who you write like.
Stephen woke up with a headache, not moving, afraid his head might just fall off he he dared to budge. "What the hell did I do?" "Morning!" Eric's too cheerful voice cut through his friends glass ridden haze. "I have eggs." He stopped by the bed, grinning down to the half woken wolf. "I told you not to stay up so late, you know." Stephen pressed the heals of his hands to his eyelids, wondering if he could push down hard enough to send himself into an unconscious peace of slumber. "Ugh," he retorted, a hand flailing to grab a neighboring pillow which he dropped over his face. "Go away." "Can't hear you." Eric sighed, putting the tray with two sunny-side eggs and bacon, onto the side table by the bed. "Aaron's coming home today; maybe you should get up?" Stephen pulled the pillow away, squinting at the younger man, noting how cleaned up his friend was. "Uuuh." he said, voice not feeling on the happy side. "Today, right. I s hould get up." Stephen cast his eyes toward the tray and his stomach growled, making his groan. "Food, shower...sex." He turned red at having said something so stupid out loud. Of course Eric knew what his father and their *guest* like doing when everyone else was supposedly sound asleep in their beds, but did that mean Stephen should go saying it so boldly aloud? "I mean...Um...I should shower." Eric snorted. "Food, and don't worry. I hear nothing, nothing at all." | | 7:13 am |
Morning...
It's 7:00am and I'm pretty much up. I'm going to get coffee and a muffin I think and then later on I'll go to work. ;) Hopefully it won't be too much work today but I guess I'll see how busy the restaurant is. I'm a little sleepy still but I think if I move around a little then I'll get the blood flowing, as they say. I just need to move around. And get coffee, that's a good part too. :) | | Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 | | 9:37 pm |
Another day...:) that happens a lot
Today was pretty relaxed. I got up a little later then I meant too but maybe I needed some sleep. I'm watching some movies and they're interesting. I'm watching "Shutter Island" It's not too bad yet, but I guess I'll see how the ending holds up. I saw a few others..."Unthinkable." that was strange though interesting. And Peircy Jackson and the lighting theif, I think it was called. It was okay, cute I think but not that great, but not horrible. The effects were cool but the characters were kind of stock people, genre types that fit a mold. ;) Not that I can do any better. Well, as soon as this movie is over, I'll do my walking DVD and then read before bed. That's all for now. | | Monday, July 12th, 2010 | | 9:04 am |
So much to do....again
I'm working on taking deep breaths and not worrying so much. ;) I do that from time to time but then I tend to settle back into old bad habbits and nothing gets done. So,here I go again and I'll try to make my journals regular. This helps me get my thoughts out and then I can see them more objectively...or I think so. So I've done my walking and I'll do it again tonight, for a mile and have a swim. I want to lose 20 pounds to start for my goal. I can do it if I keep up my work outs and watch what I'm eating. Also, there are just a lot of things I want to get worked on. I have the problem of wanting to compare what I do to others who succeed and then I start to ask why I'm not successful and then I doubt myself and then nothing gets done. I imagine this is a common problem with many people. ;) So I have a lot of company. So, no more worrying if I can do what other people do, succeed like them. I need to worry about just what I can learn and do for myself. I need to learn to take care of my own problems and let others deal with their problems...and if someone needs help, then they can ask instead of me always wondering if they want me to come over and bother then. ;) It's much *easier* to fix someone elses problems, it seems. ;P So, in August I'm going back to school, this time for web design. I'm a bit excited about that, but I know that I need to take care. I'm very good at thinking about how I will study, but then I'm very, very good, at putting it all off until the last minute. And I want to learn all about web design, there's so much I want to get accomplished. :) So I'll see how that goes. I want to also write some book reviews, though I admit I'm always worried I will offend someone. But I think there must be a objective way to make a review...or at least a fair review, without being a jerk to the writer. The writer is just a person like us all. ;) so, they write and they have good points and maybe not so good points in their writing. And there's nothing wrong with pointing both out...I think. ;) Well, it would be good practice in any case. I could use a lot of work on my writing after all. If those writers saw what I've made, I think they would have a lot to say ;) and that's ok too. It's about learning too, I think. Who can't improve in some way? I certainly can, and learning more each day...that is a point of life? Okay, enough rambling and there's my entry for today. :) off to get things done. | | Monday, December 28th, 2009 | | 10:13 am |
Another day
Today I'm learning to use a sewing machine. Well, I'll see how it goes. My mother is showing me how to make curtains. ;) I don't eve know how to feed that bobbin thing | | Friday, December 25th, 2009 | | 11:47 am |
Happy Holidays
:) I don't thik I'll do this for all of my journals but The sentiment is X 7 strong at least. :) I wish it wasn't so cold. ;) | | Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009 | | 9:51 am |
Morning all
I got up at 6:30 amd and I'm making pictures now. I think I shall work on just being myself and not worrying about getting attention. I guess writing in a public journal kind of makes that strange but it really does help me get my thoughts out. Also writing like this, is a connection to other people which I am often lacking. I'm good at staying in my room and never talking to anyone. I am going to try to get out more. ;) even if I have to buy coffee once in a while. So, to show off my lovely face. ;) No, I'm not a super model by any means....but still, I don't think I'm horrible to look at either. ;) which isn't meant to be cheaky, more of a confidence builder. ;) I need to work on that. I'm not good at telling where the line is between self assurence and being full of myself. Well, maybe I'll figure that out...  | | Monday, December 21st, 2009 | | 1:50 pm |
So much to say...
Well, the year is almost over and yet I haven't written much of anything here. Lots of things have gone on and I've managed to not get other lots of things done. I'm hoping in the coming year, this will very much change. I don't expect to become famous or do anthing crazy, but I'd love to eventually get a home that doesn't contain my parents too. I'd love to get a new car or even a used one as mine is certain not to last forever. Sad but true. I would love to make lots and lots of art and books and if I'm making one for you...I didn't forget, I was just distracted again. *Hint, hint, grey paper books being made soon* Also, I plan to write much more in my journal, which I say all the time but maybe this time it will end up being true. I hope to write in all of my journals in fact, enough to make a small novel. ;) and a key to some people...if you don't know what I write, don't tell me that you know writing is my thing. At least read what I'v written before you tell me it's ...good, bad, somewhere in the midde. ;) Yes, that was a little rant but I'm moving on now. And I think it's time for lunch. | | Wednesday, September 23rd, 2009 | | 10:03 am |
Just do it.
I don't know what it is with these mood swings, but they're really getting on my nerves. The other day, I didn't work on my writing homework or writing at all all but I made lots of books. The book parts made me happy but when I even think about writing, I find myself terrofied. Why, I don't know. It's just words on paper or the screen, and I'm the only one to see them to begin with, so what? It shouldn't be such a bit deal. And then I think, I should give it up, it's stupid to feel this horrible about not being able to write. But then when I'm not thinking about writing it down, I'm fine. Ideas *dime a dozen, I know* come left, right and center. Just do it! That's not a bad thing to say and practice. And of course I've fallen from doing my journal even half way consistant. Well, at least one thing is good. For the time being, the county says we can keep our 4 cats and 2 dogs. And my daughter, who owns the two dogs, is looking to move out and take them with her. She's 19 and has 2 jobs. She wants her own space, so I hope she gets it. For me, it's deep breaths, meditation and writing my Reading Response homework, and then two assignments and then a short story for my writers group and then working on a comic I want to make and then working on some more small books which I think are turning out just lovely.And work on Halloween art too. Whew. And my sister has the beginning of my webpage began so I want to see that too. She's going to send what she has over so I can look it. Deep breaths. That's what I need and to just do it. | | Wednesday, August 12th, 2009 | | 7:45 am |
A new day...on Wednesday?
Everyone should have a new day, that day they decide to get it all together and maybe make something of their life. Of course, it's much much easier said than done. :P So, today is that day for me. I'm tired of playing online games all day. (not that they don't have their place) And I'm tired of having nothing to show for my follies but more pretent money and/or items. If I put so much effort into real life, I'd have millions by now, I'm sure...and maybe a mansion and a yacht. So, a new day for me and a new set of things to get me going. Actually, I'm great at making lists of things I need to do, it's the carrying them out that's got me worried. I really like my online games. But I think this is all due to my internal fears of what if and so and so. I have many things I want to work on, but I get very afraid that it will all come to naught. I get the idea that, "who cares what I have to show?" But that's not true. Everyone has something to show, and everyone has a connection they can make. And if I find others interesting for just being themselves, shouldn't have that right, somewhere inside of me too? And in any case, I do have a lot of things I want to do and I need to do them. I'm not sure how I developed such a sense of, "no one loves me, no one cares." Really, I'm not sure. I know I didn't use to have this problem when I was younger. I remember doing things and just getting them done. I remember having a kind of confidence that made me float above small worries. Did it mean I was a great writer? No, I have a lot to work on that way and did then...but you can't get any better if you just don't start. So, I wonder why I made such a mental turn. Maybe it was the mistakes I made with marriage. Hmm, Maybe it was the friends I lost by beeing too needy and then mean. I don't know but I have to also learn to let it go. If you can't change something, you have to let it go. I do want to write in my journal every day. Sometimes I think it best to keep it for myself and other times, maybe someone might feel the same but really, that's not the point of me getting it out. I need to find myself and move on. ;P I feel too floaty much of the time, too far away from my true selt, the confident, exploring person I used to be. Maybe this will help. Maybe this will bring me to my new day. And maybe my new day can start now. | | Friday, May 8th, 2009 | | 10:38 am |
School...
It's almost out for me for a bit and I find there are a lot of things I've let fall behind. Making a list never seems to help because then I let myself get distracted by the proise of a list that I don't follow. I'm not sure what would help to get me motivated in getting things done. I'll have to meditate I think, figure out more about me. Hmm. | | Thursday, February 5th, 2009 | | 1:15 am |
bed...
It's 1 am and I've just finished math. I thought about reading Neil Gaiman's Journal but I'm too sleepy to check out his billion links and fun. ;P so I'll read it tomorrow and whatever I've missed. All I can say though, is seeing that bath tub blogging... ;) funny. Makes me want to have a nice bath but I'll avoid the blogging part. Reading a book is hard enough for my clutzy fingers. If I drop the book, I won't mind too much. Dropping the computer...another matter completly. ;P And I'm sure I'd find a way to just knock the whole thing in. At the moment I'm reading a Harlan Ellison book, "Slippage." I'm only on page 7 but I will read a few more before sleep. It's very strange ;P but I've read his work before. I had the one "I have no mouth and I must Scream." I think that was what it is called. I put it on my http://www.goodreads.com/ thing. I only have one friend at the moment which happens to be Mr. Gaiman. ;P but somehow I would think he's read plenty of Ellison's books. ;P I could be wrong. Bed for me. | | Tuesday, February 3rd, 2009 | | 7:47 am |
New word for me.
There is a car place up the street and they have painted their building a baby blue and chocolate combination about a month ago. Their sign says "efficacy" and I kept thinking, "What the heck does that mean??" and then thing morning, I started reading a Harlan Ellison book that I've had around, titled, "Sliipage." And right there on page 5, in a story having something to do with someone named Levendis, I saw the word again. I haven't finished the story but I figured if I've seen that word that close together that I should know what it means. ;P So here it is. ef·fi·ca·cy–noun, plural -cies:capacity for producing a desired result or effect; effectiveness: a remedy of great efficacy. I'm not sure if that's true in the car place since they actually have a large looking small e and then another e, along with the rest of the word. hmm. | | Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 | | 10:26 am |
Tues only??
Time for school. Math that is but it's cold outside and I don't want to go. I keep thinking of the dream I had last night, where I was the descendent of Kali (And yet I'm not sure of the spelling) the indian god. But then I woke up ;) THere was lots more to my dream, including secret rooms whch were no longer secret and had been remodeled but needing vacuuming, and some indian man snubbing me even though we might have been dating. ;) So, math and then home to see what I will get done today. | | Sunday, January 25th, 2009 | | 10:39 pm |
Good day
Nothing great happened but I did get a card made for Etsy. :) for a challenge on Mothers love. Nothing fancy but now I should go to bed so I can get up for the morning class at 8am. I am not a morning person ;P http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=20216301And I hope everyone had a great weekend too. :) |
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